Friday, January 15, 2010

The Vulcan Ambassador Chuck E-mails

A while back I received an e-mail from somebody in Africa named Umogbai Favour.

Spammers and frauds do irritate me. Anyway, I had a few minutes to kill so I decided to reply. But not as Chuck Divine. No, that wouldn't be fun. So I assumed the persona of

Chuck
Vulcan Senator
Ambassador Plenipotentiary to Earth
Federation of Sentient Planets

Anyway, here is my first reply to the delightful umogbai:

umogbai favour wrote:

>Dear Charles Divine
>LETTER OF APPOINTMENT
>
>It's with an unbound joy that I introduce EAGLES
>FOUNDATION INTERNATIONAL.
>Eagles Foundation is a network and great of Achievers
>from different part of the globe,
>
Globe?

I'm afraid you've contacted the Vulcan Ambassador to Earth. We've been
keeping our presence here a secret. We try to keep a low profile until
a prospective member world has been invited to join The Federation of
Sentient Worlds.

>with the purpose of
>providing for the unprivileged child: EDUCATION,
>PROTECTION AND SECURITY, We also help in medical&
>Technological research and leadership training,
>especially we are dedicated to the unprivileged child.
>
Good. Although the few humans we've actually had conversations with
usually speak of the "underprivileged" child. Might I suggest you work
on your English? Or speak in your native tongue. We do have
translators. Perhaps you've seen some of our efforts at familiarization
of humanity with Galactic Culture? You know -- "Star Trek." Granted,
there are inaccuracies. Trust me, Vulcans make love more than once
every seven years. More like every 7 hours -- every hour for the more
obsessed.

>
>
>After our just concluded EAGLES SUBMITTE, WITH A
>THEME: The place of the unprivileged child in our
>society.
>We came to a few conclusion, one of which was that,
>every day, our different orphanage homes gets an
>increase of 10%, mostly babies and that the future of
>the orphanage homes are faced with uncertainty and
>poverty.
>

That's tragic.

>
>Our final conclusion is that the rich and the highly
>placed run a deadly risk in their callus neglect of
>the poor and unprivileged child.
>
>Dear friend, you may have once lived and survived by
>the mercy of people, on your way to the top,
>
Actually, Vulcan is a very democratic and free society. We learned
millenia ago that tyranny is not only illogical but counterproductive.
So we really don't have a "top" the way you humans do. You do seem to
be learning though. The delusion known as communism is dying. And the
delusion known as naziism really is dead.

>let's
>return such kindness to the society without a prize.
>In our search for those who have established their
>reputation and standard as the highest
> their different career.
>We have found you of good reputation in high standard
>in your chosen carrier.
>
Thank you! But how did you hear of the Vulcan Embassy? We've been
trying to keep it under wraps -- don't want to frighten humanity. We
think you have real potential.

>
>
>In view of the above, we have decided to appoint you
>as one of our associate member, by this appointment
>you will be committed to serve humanity with your
>skill. Your prayer contribution to the growth of
>EAGLES FOUNDATION INTERNATIONAL will be highly
>required.
>
Hmm. Have you heard of our Prime Directive? We're not supposed to
interfere with cultures that haven't achieved warp capability. Even
this e-mail comes perilously close to the edge of interference.

>
>
>Note also that countless of prayers are being made
>every hour that passed by for your success by our
>prayer partners, this is because of your importance to
>this vision.
>
>Always remember that your friendship is too precious
>for us lose, as we await your mail of acceptance.
>

Thank you for your friendship. When you finally achieve warp
capability, we look forward to assisting your entire species. From what
we can tell, Reid Malenfant and Bootstrap Corporation are making
excellent progress. Please support them with all your resources.

>
>
>Thanks for your anticipated co-operation as we
>resuming a purpose and eventful relationship.
>
>
>To your success,
>FAVOUR
>
And to yours!

Remember to contact us when you achieve warp capability. We eagerly
anticipate the commencement of cooperative, profitable endeavours.

Chuck
Vulcan Senator
Ambassador Plenipotentiary to Earth
The Federation of Sentient Worlds

Umogbai replied! I was stunned. Anyway, I managed to get off the following answer:

umogbai favour wrote:

> Mr charles
>
The name's Chuck. We Vulcans don't go in for nicknames. Haven't you
seen any of our efforts to familiarize your species with Galactic
Culture? You know "Star Trek", "Star Trek: The Next Generation", "Star
Trek: Deep Space Nine", "Star Trek: Voyager" and now "Enterprise"? The
characters from Vulcan are named Sarek, Spock, Saavik, Tuvok et alii --
getting the picture?

My surname is entirely too difficult to translate into any human language.

>
> Thanks for your maill
>
Americans and Brits would spell the word as "mail."

> sir, it was a splended
>
splendid?

> one also
>for your corrections,
>
We try to help.

> kindly tell me more about your
>self
>
Well, in your years I was born in 2342 and am now 273 years old -- don't
worry, our species lives to at least 1500 of your years. My parents are
respectively 2417 and 1693 -- and in excellent health, by the way. They
both finished Vulcan's premier megamarathon (2910.003 of your
kilometres) only last October. I'm really proud of them!

Myself -- well, I'm a polymath. I love new challenges -- and new
lovers. I hope to eventually beat my older brother Karnak's record of
43 lovers in a single Vulcan day (OK, our days are longer than yours)
and my older sister Dharmak's megamarathon time of 372:43:16:27:68.92.

My art is not only prized on Vulcan, but Centauri dealers have started
selling it around the galaxy.

Of course I'm really delighted with my recent election to the Vulcan
Academy of Science.

Finally, there's my new wife, Dink. What else can I say about her
except she's utterly brilliant and the most loving woman I've ever met.

> and The Federation of Sentient Worlds, l am
>interested also in what you do
>
Well, our general role is to promote peace and freedom throughout the
galaxy. We occasionally do have to fight off invaders from parallel
universes, though. Like the Vorlons and the Borg. Tell me, are you
familiar with the Copenhagen Many Worlds Interpretation of Quantum
Mechanics? Too few humans are. You really should learn some modern
physics -- it's important if humanity is ever to fit into the Galactic
Community.

>,where you are located.
>
At night, go outside and look up at the constellation Sagitarius --
Galactic Center is that way. At Galactic Center there is a massive
black hole that's torn a rip in the space-time continuum known as the
Esty. Our headquarters -- a microworld known as Babylon (didn't you
name one of your ancient cities that?) orbits the Esty.

On this planet we have secret observation posts located at important
locations: Washington, New York, London, Paris, Moscow, Rome, Grover's
Mills, Hollywood, New Delhi, Hobart and others. In the United States
our observation post looks like a portajohn -- it's right across from
the White House. In London we use a police box. We try to keep our
presence inconspicuous.

Oh, by the way, don't panic if you see some Black Helicopters and a few
guys dressed in Black. They're just part of our observation team.

To Logic,

Chuck
Vulcan Senator
Ambassador Plenipotentiary to Earth
Federation of Sentient Planets

Believe it or not, that answer actually got a reply. At that point, though, I got bored and had better things to do.

The next victim of my humor was one MOO ALEXENDER.

I don't normally greet people with a "Moo!!!" I usually reserve that greeting for cows....

Anyway, here is my response to MOO:

Mr.MOO ALEXENDER wrote:

>Mr.MOO ALEXENDER
>
Moo!!!

>
>
>
> URGENT AND EXTREMELY CONFIDENTIAL
>
>Director Friend,
>
I'm not a director.

I'm Chuck, Ambassador Plenipotentiary to Earth, Vulcan Senator, Vulcan
High Command, Diktor of the Security Council of the Federation of
Sentient Planets, you freaking idiot.

>
>
>
>
>
> It is with trust and confidentiality, that I make
>
>this urgent and important business proposal to you.
>

Oh, you want to sell us your damned planet.

You and every half wit in Africa.

>
>
>It gives me so much enthusiasm to write this letter to you. It is all
>
>in a view to soliciting for assistance to enable us execute a venture
>
>of mutual benfit.My name is MOO
>
Moo!

> ALEXENDER A former Central Bank of
>
>Zimbabwe Worker, during the last political disturbuce by the
>
>government held by Robert Mugabe,
>
Oh, you stole some money from that racist murderer, did you?

>I and my other colleagues worked out
>
>over US$20,000,000.00(Twenty million, United States Dollars Only) as
>
>over invoiced and inflated payment.for election materials and the
>
>funds is now flotting
>
Flotting? Don't you mean "floating"?

> in a surspence
>
"Suspense"?

>account ready to be transfered
>
"Transferred?"

>
>
>to the provided account.Now that we are not sure of the future of thi
>
>scountry, due to the cry of sanction by world leader in and around
>
>the world. for the brutal take over of white farm by the
>
>Administration, and the lack of purpose in the Administration, me and
>
>my friends have decided to invest this funds wisely.
>
> The fund is currently in security company in Holland the
>
>netherlands.I have put all the needfull together to ensure a
>
>successful transfer of the funds to a desinated
>
Good grief, can't you even spell, you worthless incompetent?

> account. Acting in
>
>concert with few trusted other officers, we need the assistance of a
>
>foreign company/persons to push this money into their accounts. You
>
>will do very well with what we have in mind. Your share of what ever
>
>we succeed in putting into your account will be giving you the 20% of
>
>the total sum, while 70%will be for us and 10% will be mapped out
>
Hmm, send me 90% in gold pressed latinum and I'll think about it....

> for
>
>any expenses incurred by both parties in the process of the transfer,
>
>we require nothing more from you,except your willingness to assist
>
>us.I will refrain from giving out more operational details, until I
>
>receive your reply. Since time is of the essence to us,
>
Time is not of the essence to us, cretin. We have time travel.

>reply this
>
>letter quickly so as to know what next to do, even if this letter
>
>does not meet your approval, please inform me. There is norisk
>
>involved, as we have done our homework carefully.
>
I can't stop laughing.

Send me all your money -- no strings attached. If there's enough, I
might help out. Then again, maybe I'll just buy beer for the hash.

On On

Chuck
Vulcan Senator
Ambassador Plenipotentiary to Earth
Vulcan High Command

>
>
>
>
> Looking forward to hearing from you.
>
>
>
>Thanks And God Bless.
>
>
>Mr.MOO
>
Moo!!!

> ALEXENDER

I was obviously more irritated with Moo than Favour -- and more pressed for time. Moo never responded. Boo hoo..... Was I perhaps too insulting?

It's now some years later than those exchanges. I had a frustrating week. When one evening's plans got screwed up, I sat at home and saw another one of these spam e-mails. Poor Joyce Zane got the Ambassador Chuck treatment as a result of all this. Here's what I wrote:

On Thu, 2006-03-09 at 16:36, From Ms Joyce wrote:
> Dear,

My....

>
> Good a thing to write you.

How did you discover this address? The Embassy does like to keep this
address a bit quiet. There is a real fear that humans are not quite
ready for contact with galactic civilization.

Oh -- we do like to give a bit of instruction in proper English. The
correct way to write that sentence would, of course, be "It's a good
thing to write to you."

> I have a proposal for you-this however is not mandatory nor will I in any manner compel you to honour against your will.

Um -- you do know you can't compel species that have acheived warp
drive, don't you?

> I am Joyce Zane ,26years old and the only daughter of my late parents Mr.and Mrs.Zane.

Zane? Any relation to Zane Grey?

> My father was a highly reputable business magnate-(a Grandnut

What refreshing honesty. Most people just like to be thought of as just
plain nuts.

> merchant)who operated in the capital City of Senegal during his days.It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad year 12th.Feb.2003.

On Abraham Lincoln's Birthday? What a tragedy...

> Though his sudden death was linked or rather suspected to have been masterminded by an uncle

Man From Uncle? Ilya Kurakin? Good friends of ours...

> of his whotravelled

Dr. Who? The Time Lord?

> with him at that time. But God knows the truth!

Actually, Cthuthu also knows the truth. But he won't tell unless you
give him a really big bribe...

>
> My mother died when I was just 4 years old,and since then my father took me so special.

Be careful with that kind of kinky stuff. The Embassy is located in the
United States. Maybe you know how they are.

> Before his death on Febuary 12, 2003 he called the secretary who
> accompanied him to the hospital and told her that he had a sum of $4.5million US DOLLARS (Four Million Five Hundred Thousand USA DOLLARS)

Oooooh. What's that in gold pressed latinum? You know -- galactic
currency.

> kept in One trunks box as a vault deposit with a private security company in Europe. He also said that the security company does not know the content of the safe Box.He decleared

decleared? or declared?

> it as family treasure and used my name to Deposit

It's not proper to capitalize a word in the middle of a sentence unless
it's a proper name.

> the money as his first daugther

Daughter?

> for next of kin. He also explained to her that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates,

Any relation to the Borgias?

> that I should seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money to and use it for investment purposes.

Have you considered doing business on Frottage 3? Saucy Jack is quite
well known for his various services.

>
>
> I want you to assist me in re-locating this deposit into your position overseas as a beneficiary,and also use it for our joint ivestment

investment?

> purpose on my behalf.I am just 26 years old

Oh, so young. At that age my species is barely able to read and write.
Of course we do live to at least 3500 of your years.

> and a university undergraduate

Isn't that a bit slow for a human?

> and really don't know what to do.

That must be why you turned -- so wisely I might add -- to the Vulcan
Embassy on Earth.

> This is because I have suffered a lot of set backs as a result of incessant political crisis here in Senegal.

That's too bad...

We Vulcans do wonder when your species is going to achieve greater
maturity. It's really keeping you from entering into galactic culture.

> The death of my father actually brought sorrow to my life coupled with the hardship, I am passing through my only uncle

What? Is he some kind of cannibal?

> who wants me dead because he want to take-over all my late father's wealth.
>
> Dearest one,I am in a sincere desire of your humble assistance in this regards your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded.

Buy Amalgamated Aluminum Associates. Now.

>
> Now permit me to ask these few questions:-
>
> 1. Can you honestly help me as your daughter?

That would be a bit hard to do. My pointed ears, my greenish skin. You
know.

> 2. Can I completely trust you?

Mais oui, madamoiselle.

> 3. What percentage of the total amount in question will be good for you after the deposit is retrived

retrieved?

> and re-located to your position.

Why don't you just trust us with our matter duplicator to work that one
out?

>
> Please,Consider this and get back to me as soon as possible.
>
> Thank you so much.
>
> My sincere regards,
> Ms Joyce Zane
>

Logically,

Chuck
Vulcan Senator
Ambassador Plenipotentiary to Earth


Joyce hasn't responded as yet. Was I too rough on her?

3 comments:

Chuck Divine said...

Hmm.

Now you why I am moderating all comments on my blog. Somebody who did not even read The Vulcan Ambassador Chuck E-Mails posted a comment that is so appropriate for a comment by The Ambassador.

OK, here goes. "commense" is usually spelled "commence."

Anonymous also claims to have secrets that enable him to make 1000-2000 per day. 1000-2000 what? Pennies? Zlottys? Euros? Pesos? Inquiring minds want to know....

Chuck
Vulcan Senator
Ambassador Plenipotentiary to Earth

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